mirror

you're boring.
you're unloved.
you're plain.
you're ugly.
you've got no personality.
you laugh too much.
you're awkward.
you can't do anything right.
you hurt people.
you're dull.
you try too hard.
you're lazy.
you don't do enough.
you've got everything.
you complain too much.
you're stupid.



---------------------------------------------
I've tried.
This isn't good, but at least it exists.

fever-pitched

I--



--------------------------
writing
can't
save
my
melting
brain.

when does want become need?

bone-crushing
delicious
spine-tingling
smooth
havoc-wreaking
tender
heart-breaking
soft

----------------------
that's just... what it is.

ともだちと

its miraculous.
that this shell hasn't broken, like egg against frying pan, like skull against concrete.
that this bubble hasn't burst, ones of soap, ones of blood, ones of ocean foam.

what on earth is holding all this in?
what changed?
what broke? what do i need to fix?
i have the emotion, deeper than the emotion- the essence.
the essence of sadness.
but no tears come.

what am i, made of stone?

yet it feels as if my chest has been bared for all to see, and someone has taken a bulb-planter, shoved it in, twisted, pulled.
nothing but a hole where organs,
heart,
lungs,
once were.

i feel it on my sides,
like rakes
tipped in poison,
drenched in broken electricity,
are being pulled across my stretch-marked skin.

my ribs feel like hollow windchimes,
no music,
only vibrations
of stark black/white decisions.

my arms tremble.
my thoughts shake.
my feet keep walking,
i am all mistake.

--------------------------------------
all mistake,
no regret.
i don't want to be your plaything anymore.
but i love you too much.

its not right.
this has no rhyme or reason, i just had to get some thoughts out.

anorexic

surrounded swirling mass
the throng of people
always around,
always confound
ing me with their ways.
their sashays
through life.

so alone,
yet surrounded by people,
surrounded by love.

----------------------------------
this is getting old.

back

don't go, don't leave.
i stretch my
arms, fingertips, thoughts
to you.

don't go, please stay.
i close my
hands, eyes, mouth
around you.

don't go.

i need you here.
if not in person,
then in
thought.

---------------------------------
will i even make it?

am

do you need me?
am i necessary near?

do you know what i need?
what's worse than fear?

obligatories fall from your mouth,
ne'er hit my ear.

"what would i do without you?"
"without you i would die."

how about i do the dying.
your need will pass.
while my soul is out flying,
your need will pass.
those fingers won't be prying--
those feelings will pass.
-- i've closed the door, defying
all entry to this house of glass.

and while
your need will pass
for me
i'll lay in this grass
stiff
under this tree.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
nobody needs me.

couldn't i--

i wish to dance
to fly flutter free my toes in stardust,
in wind,
in the tangle of your thoughts.
in the recesses of time,
where dust gathers on forgotten memories.

let hands flow over flower-iotas,
soft velvet petal.
like the sound of a single violin
as i drag my finger along
the contours of your
spirit.

-----------------------------------------
i'm getting dangerous.
dangerous.
this is too dangerous.

why not--

do i not deserve it?
did i do something wrong?
i can't seem to find my way,
all these bodies in the throng.

is there something i can do?
do right now, tonight?
why can't i find a ____,
someone to hold me tight?

---------------------------------
not jealous of you, or you.
jealous of the experience.
all that i've missed.

this is one crappy, elementary writing, but its--

faulty

why am i so slow in falling

to pieces?
nothing affects me
until its too late.
and the damage is done.

asleep?
nothing will soothe me
until its too late.
and the dawn sun has risen.

in love?
nothing shall catch me
until its too late.
and the embrace has flown.

---------------------------------
it must be in the wiring,
where's the repair robot?

c.t.d.

throat closes
breath tightens
throat rasps
breath gasps

cough, try to shake the feeling
that the lungs won't expand
fast enough for the brain.

for the brain to keep thinking,
keep moving,
keep trying.
keep buying
more time
not for me but for rhyme.
sit inside,

don't play
don't dither all day,
the world starts to sway,
starts to fade
all away,

for my throat stops
my lungs stop
my blood stops
my brain stops
my eyes

from seeing the world,
and its beautiful disguise.

---------------------------------------------
i have asthma,
from my allergic reactions to
cats
trees
and dust.
and i can't breeeaatthhhe. only wheeze.

splashes.

i'm falling,
catch me quick!
i twist and turn out of fingertips--

i'm falling,
no time to waste!
if you wait longer we'll all be late--

i'm falling,
oh so alone!
with a fish sharing thoughts, sharing bone--

i'm falling,
you don't dare care!
for thoughts have flown through my hair in thin air--

i'm falling,
you can see how free!
could i fall forever,


or will you catch me?

--------------------------------
this is to no one, for no one.

just me,
and my goldfish for inspiration.

Song 2

oh darling, it's gonna be alright,
spread out your arms, try might to flight.

oh darling, it's gonna be alright,
i hear your- see your- feel your plight.

oh darling darling, don't you see,
that making it better's not worse for me,

oh darling darling, don't you see,
for all your talking, listening's the key.

--------------------------------------------
they just pop right
into
my
head, stupid little choruses.