feelings confuse me

i have them, but i dont know what they are.
or what they mean.
why cant i decipher myself?

some things dont need to be deciphered-
but these strange emotions do.
these feelings-- i cant live without knowing what they mean.

its tearing me apart, from the inside out.
my brain will self-destruct inside my skull,
and my heart will rip itself into shreds.

all for what?

for nothing.

there is no real reason for this,
and thats why its--

------------------------------

i wish i had something to look forward to,
or something i can put my whole heart into.

but before that bird even flew,
it crash-landed into the deep blue
ocean, and before the bird even knew
what had happened, it drowned.

-----------------------------

i know what the feeling is now.
the feeling of losing, defeat.
not against anyone, but sort of.
i just lost.
and i feel as if i was just used for a little while.
like a fun-coloured temporary tattoo-
put on and displayed for a while,
but then quickly scrubbed off the skin,
in order to get the real thing, the permanent tattoo.

that was what it was-- i just needed a metaphor to explain it to myself.