a short rant on my inferiority

this is all so stupid-
but i really need to get my thoughts out.
only one person would see this, anyways.

what i cant get over is how someone can just stop liking you so quickly?
i know that i didnt respond in the right way, but to just give up?
and its not like he ever told me he liked him-- i was just supposed to guess?
everyone was telling me this, though.
so it is all back on me.

but the way he did it wasnt very nice.
he just stopped talking to me completely.
he had other important things to do,
than wonder if i still liked him or not.
he has moved on to somebody else.

because he always had a little crush on her.
and when the time comes i'll rant a little on that.

the perfect girl and the perfect guy...?
i hope he is ready for another relationship--
even if it wasnt going to be with me.
but her...?
im not sure how thats gonna work out.

im prepared though,
to not love for a long time.
it took me seventeen years before i liked a guy,
and about seven months to realize i liked him,
and i was shot down before i even got to be with him.

i am basically failing at life already,
this is just another medal of stupidity
someone can come and pin on my chest
thats postitively sagging with medals and awards
of failure.

i like the sound of that up there.
but yeah... now i know.
i know that i am slow when it comes to liking someone--
love, i guess--
but if i am going to just be the "girl in the middle,"
when a guy already likes a girl but just tries to get me,
for whatever reason,
i should just give up.

everyone is mad at me for my failure,
and my failure to realize my failure.

everyone thinks that i dont understand--
that lots of people go through this,
that if the relationship is unbalanced it wont work,
that girls have to flirt if they like a guy,
...
but i got it. happy now?

i should have stayed upset when i thought he was avoiding me.
because although he said he wasnt- he was still trying to shake me off.
he lead me on for so long-- and then stopped.
i should have stayed ashamed and angry at myself,
but when i heard that he wasnt avoiding me,
i got happy. my hopes started lifting--
for that inevitable fall.
i just made it further.

i should have stayed upset--
because i was right in being upset.

but since he has someone else to chase,
i dont feel much anymore.
if he was getting rid of me to stay single,
it would be...
more upsetting.

i was too slow.
but i think that i will just keep on being me.
cause if a guy doesnt like me all that much,
he will just give up.
i'm not too desperate for a guy.
i want one, yes.
haha, finally-- what a late bloomer i am!

so late-- i will be eighteen in hours.

so dont feel anything for me:
happy
sad
proud
thankful
angry
understanding
jealous

or any variations of the above.
i just want to freaking live my life,
without anybody piling on more things for me
to worry about, or do.
because i have done enough worrying,
i have done enough things
in my lifetime that others cant compare.
my life has been freaking hard- and ive lost alot of people.
friends and family gone.
some, because of me.

my shallow heart will still keep beating--
if merely to keep my brain alive.

ooh, poetics.
okay, so now i dont want to talk about this anymore with anybody!
(yay, she's gotten over herself!)

hopefully, friends.
if i dont ruin something else again.

(haha, rhyme :D)