where?

sitting right in front of me.
but when... when will i see?

i know you're there, i know its true,
but all i see is the ocean blue.
i swim down, find your body cold,
now i know this one is old.

i leave you there, not what i need,
you grab my ankle, i start to bleed.
i twist and flail, your grip tightens,
run out of air, out of time, now frightened.

i kick at your face, scratching your hand,
at least i'll know life is not bland,
with this death under blue,
i realize you were never true.

air all gone, i start to fade,
nobody comes to my aide.
~~~~
another hand grabs my arm,
and a third grabs my waist.
and now i am in more harm,
another is trying to bring me to waste.

soon they realize the other was there,
and look into eachother's eyes.
as for me, they don't really care,
as i am left to my demise.

i start to make my way to air,
the sky i shall never see.
as i start to drift back down there,
another's hands reach down to me.

with the last of strength i stretch those fingertips,
and
finally
grab
hold
of
my
very
own
love.

rescued.
--------------------------
creepy underwater zombies.
drowning.
which scares you more?
:3

two

1. take my cold
pale
blue hands.
warm them up for me.
hold them in your own.
they need life, need warmth.
please, won't you take them?
if you don't, they'll die.
here, please.
please.
take them!
why won't you?
my hands are dying of cold.
take my hands!
please!
i beg of you!

2. what of the invisible girl?
there is no girl there.

i am the invisible girl.

as i step out the door,
the rain starts to pour.
you pass by in a slicker,
glance couldn't be quicker.

why am i the invisible girl?

as i reach out my hand,
her mind has been banned.
i wish to help her see,
but she has no use of me.

----------------------------------
two things stuck in my mind.
two poems emerged.

three

1. thoughts fly
from your mind
to mine.
blink of an eye.

2. how did you know?
know all about me?
before i said a word,
before you said a word,
know all about you?
how did i know?

3. half of my body paralyzed,
the half of the brain is sterilized,
nothing is there but gray and gray,
my thoughts always stop halfway.

you let that side unwind,
you've become that half of mind,
now i can move with speed and grace,
you and i have found our place.

nonexistent flames

i took the fire
and threw it away.

took your flames,
and pushed them aside.

pitched in with the rubbish,
your fire soon will die.
the fumes of death
kill all oxygen.

so let that fire die,
along with all the other
useless
worthless
waste.

and i will never go back
to those piles of rot
to search for it.

-------------
i threw away a fake plastic candle flame,
and i wrote this.

A Story.

Blindfolded, she stood in front of the firing squad. For a crime unknown to the bystanders, she was to be publicly executed. She was a strong, talented girl, a talented fighter. Nobody understood why she was supposed to die. A few of the younger children who had befriended her these past few years whimpered, clutching their mothers’ hands.

She was allowed to wear whatever she wanted for her death —her simple white dress that she always wore gently flowed in the breeze. She was allowed to eat anything she wanted before she died –she chose a small meal of bread and fruit. She was allowed to contact anybody she needed before the event—she spoke to nobody. She was allowed to pray to God before judgment—she prayed to nothing.

She stood with her long blonde hair down, some of it wafting in front of her blindfolded eyes. Her back was straight, feet firmly planted on the ground, hands relaxed at her sides. She was standing with her back to a gray brick wall, standing in the middle of the execution field—a circular plot of dirt surrounded by chain-link fences topped with barbed wire. On the inside of this barrier were the five executioners and she, on the outside stood the entire town. Except for their leader, who stood at his window in his tower above all the people, silently watching. The sun shone with a terrible brilliancy that seemed to mock the somber affair.

The squad captain shouted his ready command. The executioners steadied their guns, the mass of people visibly tensed. The children, sensing discomfort from the adults, huddled closer. There was no sound except for the gentle flapping of the girl’s white dress blowing in the wind. The second ready command from the captain had the squad cock their guns, the loud clack of the bullet entering the barrel causing a few in the crowd to jump.

A woman buried her face into her husband’s chest, unable to watch any further. A small child broke the silence with a solitary wail, quickly silenced by his mother. Watching eyes were all wide open, not wanting to miss anything.

A small smile played across the girl’s face.

The captain gave the order to fire.

All five guns, aimed at five vital points, fired simultaneously.

But the girl didn’t die.

The universal sound barrier suddenly dropped, all voices yelled, people roughly shook the fence, crowding up against one another to see what had happened.

In the blink of an eye, her lover had appeared in front of the bullets, taking all five shots, dying immediately. His body was spread-eagled on the ground, broken, bleeding, dead. His eyes were wide open, but his face had a feeling of calmness, of relaxation.

The throng of people suddenly quieted as a small clack was heard from inside the execution field. As the squad captain walked towards the girl, he was loading his pistol.

Knowing she was supposed to die and hadn’t, she tore off her white blindfold, a last look of anguish she directed to his body on the dirt. Still standing erect, she shook out her hair, looking straight into the eyes of the approaching captain, her face glowing with an unimaginable look of disgust and fury on her face. The only noise was the sound of the man’s boots hitting the dirt with each step. When he stopped an arm’s length from the girl, there was once again the uncomfortable, pressing silence. He raised his gun to her forehead.

Her face was then calm, her wide eyes never daring to look away from his. Another small smile emerged as the tears she had never shed suddenly streamed down her face.

With the shot, her head flew backwards, blood and brain blasting out the back of her skull. From his lofty perch, the leader sneered down at the scene.

“Killed two birds with one stone.”

--------------

i've had this in my head since last night...

its more epic in my mind, haha.

but that's okay.

distance.

fear is what feeds my appetite.

i yearn for you.

yearn to know
how it feels
to collapse


in your strong arms.
yearn to know
who you are.

the stranger.
or am i the stranger?

i fear we will never meet.
and that fear feeds me.
keeps me heavy and dense.

don't let me fear,
let me shrivel up and starve without my
sustenance,
die,
and vanish.

as long as i was with you,
i wouldn't mind.

------------------
help me find my stranger.

gray

please let me fade
into my mind.
so full of imaginary friends
and beautiful places-
i can find solace and peace.
i can find adventure.
i can find love.

just let me fade
into my feelings.
so full of nonexistent pain,
and overreactions-
i can find happiness and joy.
i can find agony.
i can find love.

----------
why won't you?

beware.

eyes gently closed,
you float on your back
in the dark water.

all is calm and quiet.
you hear the soft
lapping of water against
your body.

breathe in,
breathe out.
lungs work methodically,
heart beats so slow.

all you hear is the
whoosh of air entering your
lungs, the constant lubbing
of your heart with your ears under
the water.

your arms float at your sides.
your legs float below.
your body rises with every
intake of breath, and sinks
as you exhale.

something brushes your back,
tugs at your conciousness,
sweeps through your hair,
gently touches the back of your mind.

what is that?

your eyes flutter open, and see nothing.
nothing but thousands of stars.
a galaxy folded open for you,
only for you to see.

as you gaze at the universe,
cold hands reach up and around your naked torso,
and start to pull you down,
slowly,
gently,
down.

the hands belong to arms,
which belong to a body.
pulling you closer to itself.

pulling you under.

looking up, you see the blurry
images of those bright
stars through the waters.
and you burn these faint afterimages
into your mind's eye.
and hold them forever.

-------------------
a response to a pang of _______.

important.

clear blue eyes widen in fear,
sound fit to destroy the ear,
the nose wrinkles in disgust,
lips part and utter "you must."

shoulders gently slope like hills,
ribcage crushing lungs, it kills,
arms reaching out for close embrace,
heart inside soon starts to race.

------------
i realize i have missed so much,
and i don't know whats going on.

rain

it falls, drips, trickles down.
will you be my rain?
washing me clean of fault,
be my refreshing rain.
slowly fall, catch the top of my head,
don't hit the ground.

mingle with my tears,
and don't let me discern what is born
from sky
or eye.

add the wind, lash me with your angry drops.
stinging all you can touch, my rain.
i strive for your pain.

fill all empty crevices with your water,
lets hope together, rain.
can you fill me up to the brim?
can i possibly overflow?
for i feel so empty, so hollow,
so full of holes.

pools of water, let me tumble
my way in.
surrounded by you, the rain.
you are fluid, all around me,
and you have all become one.

drowning in you, my love, my rain.
you fill my lungs with the drops
from the sky.

i open my eyes,
try to see my last sight,
and cannot discern what is born
from sky or

myself.

---------------
do you love the rain?
i do.

your hands

the bird falls from its lofty perch,
the heart flys to the throat,
the mind spins in circles,

and they, the hands reach down and catch the bird.

that silly, undeserving bird.

struggling, beating her wings,
the bird trys to break free
with a scene,
and as it tries to flutter away
the wings freeze,
and the fall begins again.

but the hands attempt to catch her
again.

when will they miss?
no, with a sigh,
its not this time.
why do the hands try?
why
wont they let the bird fall?
it doesnt want to fly
anymore, it wants to die.
but the hands still try
to pry
some life out of her.

----------------
i wonder...

insignificance

And it's when you realize that you are--
BANG! goes the bullet to the brain,
Condolences to the family you find so
Dear. Friends who you thought
Enjoyed you are now
Freed from those binding chains.
Giddy with relief, they can now soar to new
Heights, like smoke from the stick of
Incense you left burning on the windowsill, your
Joys and sorrows are erased, and your last breath
Kindles sparks and flames. A fire that always frightens
Love away. Your
Mind now gone, heart to
Never experience that
Open connection. Body on a
Pyre, built from wood. Body wrapped in
Quilts. Sweet suicide, once not a worry, only to
Rot in Hell.
Sticky fingers reach out to grab those friends and drag
Them down too, but you bat them away, those
Ungrateful thoughts mustn't
Vex those who
Would have tried to
X-ray your brain, learn what was wrong with
You. But now, free, they will never know the
Zones of you that only fear and hate.

---------------
i wish people would just tell me.
that way, i wouldn't bother them anymore.
because i want only the best for them all.

why?

whenever im with you, im happy.
happy as can be, no problems.
whenever he comes too, im okay.
okay is as okay does, and nothing happens.

afterwards, though.
i curse myself.
i feel awful
-sad
-jealous
-stupid

all over again!
why do i still get upset after seeing him?
after seeing him with you...?
do i just want you for myself, like her?
do i still have those feelings for him--

NO.
no no no no no no no no.
that can't be.
i told myself to let them go,
because he already had.

why am i so weak?
why can't i just drop it?
why do i plague myself with this
stupidity?

why am i so weak?