gray

please let me fade
into my mind.
so full of imaginary friends
and beautiful places-
i can find solace and peace.
i can find adventure.
i can find love.

just let me fade
into my feelings.
so full of nonexistent pain,
and overreactions-
i can find happiness and joy.
i can find agony.
i can find love.

----------
why won't you?

beware.

eyes gently closed,
you float on your back
in the dark water.

all is calm and quiet.
you hear the soft
lapping of water against
your body.

breathe in,
breathe out.
lungs work methodically,
heart beats so slow.

all you hear is the
whoosh of air entering your
lungs, the constant lubbing
of your heart with your ears under
the water.

your arms float at your sides.
your legs float below.
your body rises with every
intake of breath, and sinks
as you exhale.

something brushes your back,
tugs at your conciousness,
sweeps through your hair,
gently touches the back of your mind.

what is that?

your eyes flutter open, and see nothing.
nothing but thousands of stars.
a galaxy folded open for you,
only for you to see.

as you gaze at the universe,
cold hands reach up and around your naked torso,
and start to pull you down,
slowly,
gently,
down.

the hands belong to arms,
which belong to a body.
pulling you closer to itself.

pulling you under.

looking up, you see the blurry
images of those bright
stars through the waters.
and you burn these faint afterimages
into your mind's eye.
and hold them forever.

-------------------
a response to a pang of _______.

important.

clear blue eyes widen in fear,
sound fit to destroy the ear,
the nose wrinkles in disgust,
lips part and utter "you must."

shoulders gently slope like hills,
ribcage crushing lungs, it kills,
arms reaching out for close embrace,
heart inside soon starts to race.

------------
i realize i have missed so much,
and i don't know whats going on.

rain

it falls, drips, trickles down.
will you be my rain?
washing me clean of fault,
be my refreshing rain.
slowly fall, catch the top of my head,
don't hit the ground.

mingle with my tears,
and don't let me discern what is born
from sky
or eye.

add the wind, lash me with your angry drops.
stinging all you can touch, my rain.
i strive for your pain.

fill all empty crevices with your water,
lets hope together, rain.
can you fill me up to the brim?
can i possibly overflow?
for i feel so empty, so hollow,
so full of holes.

pools of water, let me tumble
my way in.
surrounded by you, the rain.
you are fluid, all around me,
and you have all become one.

drowning in you, my love, my rain.
you fill my lungs with the drops
from the sky.

i open my eyes,
try to see my last sight,
and cannot discern what is born
from sky or

myself.

---------------
do you love the rain?
i do.

your hands

the bird falls from its lofty perch,
the heart flys to the throat,
the mind spins in circles,

and they, the hands reach down and catch the bird.

that silly, undeserving bird.

struggling, beating her wings,
the bird trys to break free
with a scene,
and as it tries to flutter away
the wings freeze,
and the fall begins again.

but the hands attempt to catch her
again.

when will they miss?
no, with a sigh,
its not this time.
why do the hands try?
why
wont they let the bird fall?
it doesnt want to fly
anymore, it wants to die.
but the hands still try
to pry
some life out of her.

----------------
i wonder...

insignificance

And it's when you realize that you are--
BANG! goes the bullet to the brain,
Condolences to the family you find so
Dear. Friends who you thought
Enjoyed you are now
Freed from those binding chains.
Giddy with relief, they can now soar to new
Heights, like smoke from the stick of
Incense you left burning on the windowsill, your
Joys and sorrows are erased, and your last breath
Kindles sparks and flames. A fire that always frightens
Love away. Your
Mind now gone, heart to
Never experience that
Open connection. Body on a
Pyre, built from wood. Body wrapped in
Quilts. Sweet suicide, once not a worry, only to
Rot in Hell.
Sticky fingers reach out to grab those friends and drag
Them down too, but you bat them away, those
Ungrateful thoughts mustn't
Vex those who
Would have tried to
X-ray your brain, learn what was wrong with
You. But now, free, they will never know the
Zones of you that only fear and hate.

---------------
i wish people would just tell me.
that way, i wouldn't bother them anymore.
because i want only the best for them all.

why?

whenever im with you, im happy.
happy as can be, no problems.
whenever he comes too, im okay.
okay is as okay does, and nothing happens.

afterwards, though.
i curse myself.
i feel awful
-sad
-jealous
-stupid

all over again!
why do i still get upset after seeing him?
after seeing him with you...?
do i just want you for myself, like her?
do i still have those feelings for him--

NO.
no no no no no no no no.
that can't be.
i told myself to let them go,
because he already had.

why am i so weak?
why can't i just drop it?
why do i plague myself with this
stupidity?

why am i so weak?

feelings confuse me

i have them, but i dont know what they are.
or what they mean.
why cant i decipher myself?

some things dont need to be deciphered-
but these strange emotions do.
these feelings-- i cant live without knowing what they mean.

its tearing me apart, from the inside out.
my brain will self-destruct inside my skull,
and my heart will rip itself into shreds.

all for what?

for nothing.

there is no real reason for this,
and thats why its--

------------------------------

i wish i had something to look forward to,
or something i can put my whole heart into.

but before that bird even flew,
it crash-landed into the deep blue
ocean, and before the bird even knew
what had happened, it drowned.

-----------------------------

i know what the feeling is now.
the feeling of losing, defeat.
not against anyone, but sort of.
i just lost.
and i feel as if i was just used for a little while.
like a fun-coloured temporary tattoo-
put on and displayed for a while,
but then quickly scrubbed off the skin,
in order to get the real thing, the permanent tattoo.

that was what it was-- i just needed a metaphor to explain it to myself.

a glorious quote from Greg Warren, comedian-

"yeah, we've all got problems, don't we?




I just ate 53 oreos last night."

many lulz.

only.

only when you notice that the world would be hardly different without you--

your friends would be the same, happier even.
your family would not be any different.
the people you meet on the street wouldn't know if you dissapeared--

do you realize the imprudence of your useless existence.

people say that you make a difference, that they needed you, that you were there for them in their time of need, that they wouldn't know what they would do without you, that you're important...

but important to who? to what? just furthering their life? just getting through to the next person?

friends are indispensable, one could never live without them.
i could never live--

but i have a sneaking suspicion that they could most certainly live without me.
and my sudden dissapearance would be met with emotion,
sobbing, hugging, reminiscing over the past--
but that would end quickly, for there are more important things to do.

like making new friends.
like building those relationships you couldn't before.
like spending time with those loved.

i feel so small.
and aren't we all?
just a small
little ball
of atoms making cells making bodies--
but even as humanity whirwinds to a close,
i would have had no part in it, if only to worsen the whole thing overall.

and with that,
i bid you.
adieu.

i propose a toast: to all that live one day at a time.

From the Hallmark Card my momma got me for my birthday

Don't sit around
waiting for somebody else to make you happy.
Happy is a do-it-yourself kind of thing.

Be true to yourself and to what you want out of life.
Broken hearts heal, but broken dreams don't.
(Plan accordingly.)

Make your own choices,
but don't forget-
you're the one
who'll have to live with them.

Take chances now and then.
Chance is just another way to say
that life is waiting
to open a door for you.

Forgive others,
and when you need to, forgive yourself.
See the good all around you,
even if you have to squint sometimes.

Love who you are,
and know that you are loved.
Always. Always.
You are loved.

((Wow Hallmark, way to be awesome.))

five.

happiness comes in different places.
in different shapes, and different spaces.

it can come when something is gone,
or when something is wrong.

and rocks hitting the windshield,
breaking,
cracks in the window.

but never shattering.

you can fix the cracks.
and the knowledge of that
is what can
bring happiness.

--------------------
re-do.


happiness can come in different places.
different spaces,
different ways.

happiness can be something gone.
something wrong,
something lost.

happiness can be something broken.
something misspoken,
something live.

and all these
appease
the trees
filled with bees
as we seize
this disease
and squeeze
the life out of it.

a short rant on my inferiority

this is all so stupid-
but i really need to get my thoughts out.
only one person would see this, anyways.

what i cant get over is how someone can just stop liking you so quickly?
i know that i didnt respond in the right way, but to just give up?
and its not like he ever told me he liked him-- i was just supposed to guess?
everyone was telling me this, though.
so it is all back on me.

but the way he did it wasnt very nice.
he just stopped talking to me completely.
he had other important things to do,
than wonder if i still liked him or not.
he has moved on to somebody else.

because he always had a little crush on her.
and when the time comes i'll rant a little on that.

the perfect girl and the perfect guy...?
i hope he is ready for another relationship--
even if it wasnt going to be with me.
but her...?
im not sure how thats gonna work out.

im prepared though,
to not love for a long time.
it took me seventeen years before i liked a guy,
and about seven months to realize i liked him,
and i was shot down before i even got to be with him.

i am basically failing at life already,
this is just another medal of stupidity
someone can come and pin on my chest
thats postitively sagging with medals and awards
of failure.

i like the sound of that up there.
but yeah... now i know.
i know that i am slow when it comes to liking someone--
love, i guess--
but if i am going to just be the "girl in the middle,"
when a guy already likes a girl but just tries to get me,
for whatever reason,
i should just give up.

everyone is mad at me for my failure,
and my failure to realize my failure.

everyone thinks that i dont understand--
that lots of people go through this,
that if the relationship is unbalanced it wont work,
that girls have to flirt if they like a guy,
...
but i got it. happy now?

i should have stayed upset when i thought he was avoiding me.
because although he said he wasnt- he was still trying to shake me off.
he lead me on for so long-- and then stopped.
i should have stayed ashamed and angry at myself,
but when i heard that he wasnt avoiding me,
i got happy. my hopes started lifting--
for that inevitable fall.
i just made it further.

i should have stayed upset--
because i was right in being upset.

but since he has someone else to chase,
i dont feel much anymore.
if he was getting rid of me to stay single,
it would be...
more upsetting.

i was too slow.
but i think that i will just keep on being me.
cause if a guy doesnt like me all that much,
he will just give up.
i'm not too desperate for a guy.
i want one, yes.
haha, finally-- what a late bloomer i am!

so late-- i will be eighteen in hours.

so dont feel anything for me:
happy
sad
proud
thankful
angry
understanding
jealous

or any variations of the above.
i just want to freaking live my life,
without anybody piling on more things for me
to worry about, or do.
because i have done enough worrying,
i have done enough things
in my lifetime that others cant compare.
my life has been freaking hard- and ive lost alot of people.
friends and family gone.
some, because of me.

my shallow heart will still keep beating--
if merely to keep my brain alive.

ooh, poetics.
okay, so now i dont want to talk about this anymore with anybody!
(yay, she's gotten over herself!)

hopefully, friends.
if i dont ruin something else again.

(haha, rhyme :D)