feelings confuse me

i have them, but i dont know what they are.
or what they mean.
why cant i decipher myself?

some things dont need to be deciphered-
but these strange emotions do.
these feelings-- i cant live without knowing what they mean.

its tearing me apart, from the inside out.
my brain will self-destruct inside my skull,
and my heart will rip itself into shreds.

all for what?

for nothing.

there is no real reason for this,
and thats why its--

------------------------------

i wish i had something to look forward to,
or something i can put my whole heart into.

but before that bird even flew,
it crash-landed into the deep blue
ocean, and before the bird even knew
what had happened, it drowned.

-----------------------------

i know what the feeling is now.
the feeling of losing, defeat.
not against anyone, but sort of.
i just lost.
and i feel as if i was just used for a little while.
like a fun-coloured temporary tattoo-
put on and displayed for a while,
but then quickly scrubbed off the skin,
in order to get the real thing, the permanent tattoo.

that was what it was-- i just needed a metaphor to explain it to myself.

a glorious quote from Greg Warren, comedian-

"yeah, we've all got problems, don't we?




I just ate 53 oreos last night."

many lulz.

only.

only when you notice that the world would be hardly different without you--

your friends would be the same, happier even.
your family would not be any different.
the people you meet on the street wouldn't know if you dissapeared--

do you realize the imprudence of your useless existence.

people say that you make a difference, that they needed you, that you were there for them in their time of need, that they wouldn't know what they would do without you, that you're important...

but important to who? to what? just furthering their life? just getting through to the next person?

friends are indispensable, one could never live without them.
i could never live--

but i have a sneaking suspicion that they could most certainly live without me.
and my sudden dissapearance would be met with emotion,
sobbing, hugging, reminiscing over the past--
but that would end quickly, for there are more important things to do.

like making new friends.
like building those relationships you couldn't before.
like spending time with those loved.

i feel so small.
and aren't we all?
just a small
little ball
of atoms making cells making bodies--
but even as humanity whirwinds to a close,
i would have had no part in it, if only to worsen the whole thing overall.

and with that,
i bid you.
adieu.

i propose a toast: to all that live one day at a time.

From the Hallmark Card my momma got me for my birthday

Don't sit around
waiting for somebody else to make you happy.
Happy is a do-it-yourself kind of thing.

Be true to yourself and to what you want out of life.
Broken hearts heal, but broken dreams don't.
(Plan accordingly.)

Make your own choices,
but don't forget-
you're the one
who'll have to live with them.

Take chances now and then.
Chance is just another way to say
that life is waiting
to open a door for you.

Forgive others,
and when you need to, forgive yourself.
See the good all around you,
even if you have to squint sometimes.

Love who you are,
and know that you are loved.
Always. Always.
You are loved.

((Wow Hallmark, way to be awesome.))

five.

happiness comes in different places.
in different shapes, and different spaces.

it can come when something is gone,
or when something is wrong.

and rocks hitting the windshield,
breaking,
cracks in the window.

but never shattering.

you can fix the cracks.
and the knowledge of that
is what can
bring happiness.

--------------------
re-do.


happiness can come in different places.
different spaces,
different ways.

happiness can be something gone.
something wrong,
something lost.

happiness can be something broken.
something misspoken,
something live.

and all these
appease
the trees
filled with bees
as we seize
this disease
and squeeze
the life out of it.

a short rant on my inferiority

this is all so stupid-
but i really need to get my thoughts out.
only one person would see this, anyways.

what i cant get over is how someone can just stop liking you so quickly?
i know that i didnt respond in the right way, but to just give up?
and its not like he ever told me he liked him-- i was just supposed to guess?
everyone was telling me this, though.
so it is all back on me.

but the way he did it wasnt very nice.
he just stopped talking to me completely.
he had other important things to do,
than wonder if i still liked him or not.
he has moved on to somebody else.

because he always had a little crush on her.
and when the time comes i'll rant a little on that.

the perfect girl and the perfect guy...?
i hope he is ready for another relationship--
even if it wasnt going to be with me.
but her...?
im not sure how thats gonna work out.

im prepared though,
to not love for a long time.
it took me seventeen years before i liked a guy,
and about seven months to realize i liked him,
and i was shot down before i even got to be with him.

i am basically failing at life already,
this is just another medal of stupidity
someone can come and pin on my chest
thats postitively sagging with medals and awards
of failure.

i like the sound of that up there.
but yeah... now i know.
i know that i am slow when it comes to liking someone--
love, i guess--
but if i am going to just be the "girl in the middle,"
when a guy already likes a girl but just tries to get me,
for whatever reason,
i should just give up.

everyone is mad at me for my failure,
and my failure to realize my failure.

everyone thinks that i dont understand--
that lots of people go through this,
that if the relationship is unbalanced it wont work,
that girls have to flirt if they like a guy,
...
but i got it. happy now?

i should have stayed upset when i thought he was avoiding me.
because although he said he wasnt- he was still trying to shake me off.
he lead me on for so long-- and then stopped.
i should have stayed ashamed and angry at myself,
but when i heard that he wasnt avoiding me,
i got happy. my hopes started lifting--
for that inevitable fall.
i just made it further.

i should have stayed upset--
because i was right in being upset.

but since he has someone else to chase,
i dont feel much anymore.
if he was getting rid of me to stay single,
it would be...
more upsetting.

i was too slow.
but i think that i will just keep on being me.
cause if a guy doesnt like me all that much,
he will just give up.
i'm not too desperate for a guy.
i want one, yes.
haha, finally-- what a late bloomer i am!

so late-- i will be eighteen in hours.

so dont feel anything for me:
happy
sad
proud
thankful
angry
understanding
jealous

or any variations of the above.
i just want to freaking live my life,
without anybody piling on more things for me
to worry about, or do.
because i have done enough worrying,
i have done enough things
in my lifetime that others cant compare.
my life has been freaking hard- and ive lost alot of people.
friends and family gone.
some, because of me.

my shallow heart will still keep beating--
if merely to keep my brain alive.

ooh, poetics.
okay, so now i dont want to talk about this anymore with anybody!
(yay, she's gotten over herself!)

hopefully, friends.
if i dont ruin something else again.

(haha, rhyme :D)

MUAHAHAHA. (+ a really bad poem, "don't")

i deleted the piece of crap up here.
because

although it was true, it was too
deep and scathing on my poor
soul.

lol, no. it was too overdramatic and "oh, woe is me" and whatever.
but tis a new day, and i can take it as it comes.

so bring it on!

((but i did save my poem on my computer, just in case i feel that way again. just in case.))

((ooh, lookie here. how did that get down there...?))

"don’t"

feelings of shame.
so deep, so body wracking.

why would i do this to myself?
stupid, stupid.
of course i let my self go too far.

it could never happen.
it will never happen for me.
never, never, never.

godamnit how i wanted it.
i saw something in nothing.
i waited for it.
longed for it.
but now is nothing but an empty shell.

wants nothing to do with me.
wants only what i have.
wants what i dont want.

not love.
closeness.

a spark in the dark of my heart--extinguished.

it sounds overdramatic,
because
it
is.

i'm just some overdramatic teenager.
a teenager that has missed out on so much--
i was so close, but never close enough,
it will never
ever
be.

unless i really hope
and wish
and tell.

but
now
i'm
too
afraid.

shameful.
i am ashamed.
for what i cant
wont
never will be able to


do.

now.

now,
as i take down these memories from the shelf,
i remember.

now,
as i pack them in boxes and bins,
i reminisce.

now,
as i take the shelves off the wall,
i grimace.

because the shelves took some paint off the wall, and my dad is going to kill me.

---------------
oh, crap.

Another Quote from "The Road"

page 168

"People were always getting ready for tomorrow. I didn't believe in that. Tomorrow wasn't getting ready for them. It didn't even know they were there"

what is it with me and jumping out of windows?

to jump from the window
and have all end.

to fly off the sill
and land to break bone.

to shatter the glass
and let cold air rush in.

to land in bushes
and be unhurt.

to roll onto wet grass
and
thank
god
that
you
failed
at
something
once
again.

Quote from "The Road"

Page 78

"The man thought he seemed some sad and solitary changeling child announcing the arrival of a traveling spectacle in shire and village who does not know that behind him the players have all been carried off by wolves."

its all theirs

he takes her for granted.
she won't stick to her decisions.
she acts like everything is okay.
he flirts with her friends.
she gives him hugs.
she sits close to him.
he says shes cute.
he hovers near her constantly.
she has let him know.
he doesn't get it.
she won't act on her thoughts.
she won't think before acting.
he doesn't consider her feelings.
he won't stop.

she won't stick to her decisions, and he takes her for granted.